though winds of change are blowin wild and free, you aint seen nothin like me yet

Its kind of incredible how quickly your life is different from one day to the next. I feel like I'm a character straight out of some sort of fiction novel with the way things move. That or I read really good books by authors with a good grip on reality lol. One day it was senior year and my life was The Wedding Singer and the unity and the closeness was Degrassi worthy. The next day I'm floating by myself and suddenly I have Jessica, who came in like she had been there all along. I have photographic memories of going down 17 like it came out of an indie movie. It's only been like, 6 months maybe, since I've known her, three since we've been close. and now she's in the army moving on with shit. Its like my life continues to take literal chapter jumps. For christs sake I could have sworn Brian and I lasted for years and years, the fact that there is life after that is....halting.

I guess it's scary because maybe it's not like...chapters, really. It's like I live full books, and I can sense when the perfect ending would be. But instead of the book ending...I keep on existing. It's bizarre, and before you know it I'm in another story that always, inevitably, ends. Before I even remember it  beginning and I can't ever reread it. Like Natalia and Kellie, like all of Maryland. How does life go on after what seemed like your best selling book?

So I know it's probably strange but now that I realize there is always life after a story, I'm comfortable. I don't mind that I "didn't do anything" most of August. Theres nothing wrong with a good book, or a bubble bath. Even if its day after day. Only another few weeks before I'm thrown back into shit thats going to be incredibly overwhelming by the end of September and I'm sure I'm going to meet so many people that will plop themselves down beside me the same way Jess did; like its kind of where they belonged the whole time.

I saw this little indie video the other day that was just this girl reciting a poem to a harmonica and she made a video out of it. I loved it, the line thats still in my head is "if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay." - Tanya Davis

<33

ps. Samwise is huge, lol, about 4 months. Still causing trouble. love my keetiin

this is the deep and dying breath of this love we've been working on

I'm empty.

and I deserve it.

Kind of.

slow dancing in a burning room

(8:45:12 PM) DrumboyBRD: It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?
Go cry about it - why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room,
Burning room.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

believe it or not, you had me, like it or not, you lost me

They'll do anything to knock me down. From heavy insults that hit hard to telling me to shower (which I do, twice a day thank you, and I look it, ok, you thought I was hot until I turned you down asshole, you can't turn it around now I won't believe you. anyway) but either way the outcome is only to make me feel as low as humanely possible.  The more people that hate themselves, the higher they climb in the rungs of society. Or life, for that matter. You need to push people out of the way in order to take another step. Some people go down like nothing, like you're moving through water. Others take a while; you might have to pause before they reluctantly fall. And others, if you plan on climbing that next rung, you better find another way around, because this bitch isn't going ANYWHERE.

It hurts, oh man does it hurt. They quickly discover every soft spot, every weakness and they manipulate it. Boys, I'm speaking of, primarily. And they are the masters at manipulation. They manage to make themselves seem right and you seem dramatic, ridiculous, stupid and bitchy, and that they're only telling the truth and being real by calling you out.  When really, that self declaration is immediate proof how pompous and cocky they themselves are and are therefore not worth the trouble. However, manipulation is the key word. It's sooooo easy to fall into this trap.

But I am a strong, beautiful, independent, passionate, talented person who is a great friend. I refuse to let any asshole get into my head and make me feel any less than what I am. To you all, I say, fuck you.

and when I'm successful and you're rotting in Charlotte county for the rest of your lives we'll see who's the pompous bitch.

what should I scream for? this is my theme park

maybe if I was nicer. probably if I was nicer. blissfully unaware, accepting what I'm given, happy with whatever comes my way. If you fight for the truth you're going to get it. it's never pretty, nothing is pretty when you look at the details. I'm essentially striving for a love life that nobody has. A fairytale that never truly exists anywhere except for in the simple minded. How nice would THAT be.

not to say I'm smarter than everybody, because that's for suuuure not true. I can't pass ancient world history without the girl next to me, I lock my keys in my car pretty much twice a week. But I'm allwaaysss aware of whats going on around me and who people really are. Nobody wants a freaking girl like that, it's always the docile, sweet ones. Who wants to fight all of the time? I get it.

I bring it upon myself. If I'm going to argue and demand respect and refuse to be stepped on and fight back and call people out on their shit and make it KNOWN when I'm upset...I need to be prepared for people not to reacte well. That's the mother fucking trade off. You can't be an independent woman if you want a serious guy. It's so hard to find somebody who's not looking for a missing piece to complete.

why can't we roll side by side? Shel Silverstein had the right idea.